i gave in.

so bad, I know. But when you have $1 tests, it's really hard to refrain from just peeing on them. "It's only a dollar..."


BFN.

Meh - to be expected. I'm not giving up hope. It's still early. My overlay chart still looks good, and even though I had a temp drop this morning - my temps are still looking high.

I have no symptoms though. Not even a sore boob. BLAH.

overlay obsession

another high temp today. I feel like these 2 cycles are looking SOOO much alike...! GAH!

hide the pee sticks.

hide 'em all.

Because I don't know how the eff I will hold out until this weekend to pee.

It's not just the high temps that are making me crazy, but it's the fact that the past 2 nights I've had to get up to pee in the middle of the night...which for me...NEVER HAPPENS. EVER.

Except for when I was KTFU. So yea, that is screwing with my already fragile 2ww mind.

Here is today's chart:

crazy, obsessive 2ww birthday lady.

yep that's me! Today is my Birthday. woot woot.

The chart is looking better. Here is my daily whoring of the chart so you can all see how lovely my temps have been lately. Followed by the traditional over-analytic psycho analysis that is ever so present with the 2ww.

(FF.com gave me a free VIP 5 day trial today. They must have totally decided to do it as a bday gift. Right.)


I like the looks of the dip yesterday. Implantation perhaps? Hmmm...

If we compare to my last BFP cycle, they are looking mighty similar...dip & all. Here is the overlay:

Houstin, we have crosshairs.

woot WOOT!!

It's about damn time. Just seeing those red lines is glorious. Makes me realize that my body is not broken after my miscarriage. I am so thankful for this. I really needed it.

Now all I need to do is not go bat-shit-crazy during this 2ww. That's going to be hard. I don't know many women that remain sane during the 2ww. *sigh*

still no crosshairs.

my chart can go DIAF.

SOOO frustrated w/ my chart.

I cannot get a temp rise for the life of me. I'm pretty much done with this cycle. The stress of TTC is just out of control. It's now causing tension between me & DH.


Why do I have a feeling that getting pg again is going to take FOREVER for me? It's not going to happen right away. I just have a feeling. I'm so over this.

all about the O.

well, it's that time. The time where I get pee & temp crazy. This weekend I started to get some EWCM and started peeing on some OPK's. Lo & behold I think I should be O'ing soon, if not today. I will admit that my chart confuses the F outta me right now. I feel like I should have O'ed already and to be honest, I wish I had because having sex all the time makes this woman TIRED.

been in a funk.

So I know that I've been in a funk lately. DH is really noticing it. I hate doing this to him. I just don't know what to do. I love him to pieces, and love being with him - but for the most part, I'm just not the happiest person these days. And now that we are back to TTC, and charting, I'm starting to put all my hopes & expectations on that, which is causing a bit more stress & anxiety. I know that I shouldn't but...ugh.

So I am trying to keep busy. But in all honesty, we've been to how many BBQ's this summer? SO MANY. And while I love seeing my friends/family - it's ALL the same. Go to party, get a beer, play some yard games, drink more beer, sit by fire, drink more beer, roast some S'mores, drink more beer. Pee 1,000 times. Go home, pass out.

I want more than that dammit. I want to be one of the people at the BBQ with my little one, running around chasing after them - or better yet, rocking them in their carriage or stroller. I want to have something MORE to live for. DH & I love each other to pieces but we are SO ready to take everything in our lives to the next level. I hate that I've always wanted to run before I could walk.

Having a baby is totally one of those things that you just have to patiently wait for in life - and that is SO hard for me. I have ADD when it comes to doing or getting things. I swear, God is trying to teach me the lesson of practicing patience. *sigh*.

because I want to remember.

I know that this may not be the best thing for me right now. But my fear is forgetting. I don't want to forget this little one that I had inside my tummy for almost 9 weeks. I found the ultrasound in my purse today. It was done the evening I started spotting. I had not even had my first appointment with my OB yet. I was so worried - so nervous...and then they brought this up, and we saw our little pea, with a little heartbeat!


I know this looks like absolutely nothing. The baby was only measuring at 6 weeks, 2 days. It was behind. A lot. They told me I was fine, and that you never know, I could have just been off with my calculations. But I knew that wasn't true. I knew in my heart that I was right - I charted, I knew my O date - I knew when we had sex.

At any rate, I want to remember this. I don't want to forget or lose this picture. So I had to post it here. Part of me feels crazy for being so attached, but it was 9 weeks of loving & thinking about a new baby. We were shattered.

back to temping.

I was impressed with myself that I remembered the temp this morning. It feels so weird to be doing it again. But here I am. 96.8 today.

I realize that this could take a while, but I am placing an unhealthy amount of hope that we will get KU right away. This is not good. I know this. I am not sure what I will do if this cycle comes & goes and I don't get a BFP. Crazy talk. I know. But this miscarriage has left me feeling so empty - I cannot help but feel this way. Argh.

so, here's the story.

I am no longer pregnant.

I lost the baby on June 23rd.

I was roughly 9 weeks along.

I have not blogged about it because to be quite honest, right after it happened I just needed a break from everything. TheBump, blogging, anything baby related. It was pretty much the most horrific experience of my life thus far - and reliving it isn't something I wish to do a whole lot of.

Basically I started spotting on a Friday evening. I went to the ER, had an U/S done - was told I was "measuring behind" - which I knew was not good. 4 days later I began to bleed & pass clots the size of things you could not imagine. I lost the whole thing naturally - no D&C needed. It was painful physically, emotionally, and just a lot of both DH & I.

So here I am. It's August 6th. I finally got my period last weekend and finishing it up now. DH & I are totally ready to get back at this & do it again. I just hope we aren't setting ourselves up for more heartbreak & disappointment. I still have my moments where I break down. It's been pretty tough to keep it together.

However, tonight I will break out the BBT Thermometer and start charting again tomorrow.

We just hope & pray that we can get pregnant and finally welcome a baby into our lives.