because I want to remember.

I know that this may not be the best thing for me right now. But my fear is forgetting. I don't want to forget this little one that I had inside my tummy for almost 9 weeks. I found the ultrasound in my purse today. It was done the evening I started spotting. I had not even had my first appointment with my OB yet. I was so worried - so nervous...and then they brought this up, and we saw our little pea, with a little heartbeat!


I know this looks like absolutely nothing. The baby was only measuring at 6 weeks, 2 days. It was behind. A lot. They told me I was fine, and that you never know, I could have just been off with my calculations. But I knew that wasn't true. I knew in my heart that I was right - I charted, I knew my O date - I knew when we had sex.

At any rate, I want to remember this. I don't want to forget or lose this picture. So I had to post it here. Part of me feels crazy for being so attached, but it was 9 weeks of loving & thinking about a new baby. We were shattered.

back to temping.

I was impressed with myself that I remembered the temp this morning. It feels so weird to be doing it again. But here I am. 96.8 today.

I realize that this could take a while, but I am placing an unhealthy amount of hope that we will get KU right away. This is not good. I know this. I am not sure what I will do if this cycle comes & goes and I don't get a BFP. Crazy talk. I know. But this miscarriage has left me feeling so empty - I cannot help but feel this way. Argh.

so, here's the story.

I am no longer pregnant.

I lost the baby on June 23rd.

I was roughly 9 weeks along.

I have not blogged about it because to be quite honest, right after it happened I just needed a break from everything. TheBump, blogging, anything baby related. It was pretty much the most horrific experience of my life thus far - and reliving it isn't something I wish to do a whole lot of.

Basically I started spotting on a Friday evening. I went to the ER, had an U/S done - was told I was "measuring behind" - which I knew was not good. 4 days later I began to bleed & pass clots the size of things you could not imagine. I lost the whole thing naturally - no D&C needed. It was painful physically, emotionally, and just a lot of both DH & I.

So here I am. It's August 6th. I finally got my period last weekend and finishing it up now. DH & I are totally ready to get back at this & do it again. I just hope we aren't setting ourselves up for more heartbreak & disappointment. I still have my moments where I break down. It's been pretty tough to keep it together.

However, tonight I will break out the BBT Thermometer and start charting again tomorrow.

We just hope & pray that we can get pregnant and finally welcome a baby into our lives.