been in a funk.

So I know that I've been in a funk lately. DH is really noticing it. I hate doing this to him. I just don't know what to do. I love him to pieces, and love being with him - but for the most part, I'm just not the happiest person these days. And now that we are back to TTC, and charting, I'm starting to put all my hopes & expectations on that, which is causing a bit more stress & anxiety. I know that I shouldn't but...ugh.

So I am trying to keep busy. But in all honesty, we've been to how many BBQ's this summer? SO MANY. And while I love seeing my friends/family - it's ALL the same. Go to party, get a beer, play some yard games, drink more beer, sit by fire, drink more beer, roast some S'mores, drink more beer. Pee 1,000 times. Go home, pass out.

I want more than that dammit. I want to be one of the people at the BBQ with my little one, running around chasing after them - or better yet, rocking them in their carriage or stroller. I want to have something MORE to live for. DH & I love each other to pieces but we are SO ready to take everything in our lives to the next level. I hate that I've always wanted to run before I could walk.

Having a baby is totally one of those things that you just have to patiently wait for in life - and that is SO hard for me. I have ADD when it comes to doing or getting things. I swear, God is trying to teach me the lesson of practicing patience. *sigh*.

because I want to remember.

I know that this may not be the best thing for me right now. But my fear is forgetting. I don't want to forget this little one that I had inside my tummy for almost 9 weeks. I found the ultrasound in my purse today. It was done the evening I started spotting. I had not even had my first appointment with my OB yet. I was so worried - so nervous...and then they brought this up, and we saw our little pea, with a little heartbeat!


I know this looks like absolutely nothing. The baby was only measuring at 6 weeks, 2 days. It was behind. A lot. They told me I was fine, and that you never know, I could have just been off with my calculations. But I knew that wasn't true. I knew in my heart that I was right - I charted, I knew my O date - I knew when we had sex.

At any rate, I want to remember this. I don't want to forget or lose this picture. So I had to post it here. Part of me feels crazy for being so attached, but it was 9 weeks of loving & thinking about a new baby. We were shattered.

back to temping.

I was impressed with myself that I remembered the temp this morning. It feels so weird to be doing it again. But here I am. 96.8 today.

I realize that this could take a while, but I am placing an unhealthy amount of hope that we will get KU right away. This is not good. I know this. I am not sure what I will do if this cycle comes & goes and I don't get a BFP. Crazy talk. I know. But this miscarriage has left me feeling so empty - I cannot help but feel this way. Argh.

so, here's the story.

I am no longer pregnant.

I lost the baby on June 23rd.

I was roughly 9 weeks along.

I have not blogged about it because to be quite honest, right after it happened I just needed a break from everything. TheBump, blogging, anything baby related. It was pretty much the most horrific experience of my life thus far - and reliving it isn't something I wish to do a whole lot of.

Basically I started spotting on a Friday evening. I went to the ER, had an U/S done - was told I was "measuring behind" - which I knew was not good. 4 days later I began to bleed & pass clots the size of things you could not imagine. I lost the whole thing naturally - no D&C needed. It was painful physically, emotionally, and just a lot of both DH & I.

So here I am. It's August 6th. I finally got my period last weekend and finishing it up now. DH & I are totally ready to get back at this & do it again. I just hope we aren't setting ourselves up for more heartbreak & disappointment. I still have my moments where I break down. It's been pretty tough to keep it together.

However, tonight I will break out the BBT Thermometer and start charting again tomorrow.

We just hope & pray that we can get pregnant and finally welcome a baby into our lives.

exhaustion.

it's interesting. It doesn't hit me all the time - but usually right around dinner time, I feel like I could fall asleep over my plate of food. It's almost painful to get up from my chair and leave the dinner table. That's how tired I get. So yea - I've been trying to get lots of sleep at night.

The problem with that is that my bladder is INSANE and I have to pee all the damn time. So I can barely make it through the night without waking up in pain because my bladder is so full. *sigh*

Other than that, knock on wood...no M/S. Could it be possible that I have not been hit with this yet? I am praying to the M/S Gods. Please spare me, I love you!

6 weeks, 4 days.

Or so says my chart...

I am convinced that I am a full week behind this - thus being 5 weeks, 4 days. If you go by the day of my LMP, it makes me 6 weeks 4 days. However I didn't ovulate until CD20 and therefore I feel I am 1 week later than this. I have decided to just keep things simple & stick with my EDD according to my LMP. That is how my Dr. is tracking me, at least until my 1st U/S. I will probably be re-adjusted then. But until then...here is my non-belly pic.


I have super huge boobs, a little bit of belly bloat - but not too much. Crappy photo taken in the bathroom at work. Yucko.

EDITED: I'm stealing this from many other people's baby blogs. Going to try & start doing this at least bi-weekly for now, until I actually have a belly!

How far along? 6 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: no idea. I haven't dared to step on a scale yet.
Maternity clothes? Nope!
Stretch marks? None!
Sleep: Meh. I sleep better when I pass out on the couch for naps. But I'm finding it harder to fall asleep at night, and even harder to "sleep-in" in the AM.
Best moment this week: telling my parents & in-law's that we are expecting!
Movement: None.
Food cravings: No food cravings - but I'm OBSESSED with Iced Tea. Very cold Iced Tea with ice cubes.
Gender: I am totally feeling boy. boy boy boy.
Labor Signs: None.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: J Lohr Chardonnay. *siiiigh*
What I am looking forward to: 1st U/S on June 25th.
Weekly Wisdom: not telling people isn't as hard as I thought it would be - it's actually sort of nice to have a little secret with my H - him & I have this time together where only we know (plus a few immediate family members). I'm sure I will miss that once the cat is outta the bag.
Milestones: Buying a Pregnancy Journal & starting to fill it out. Looking at baby clothes in the mall! (no purchases as of yet!)

First Gift...

so the long-time joke between DH & I has always been that when we have children, his list of name choices would be:

Optimus Prime
Megatron
Corporate Commander

Yes, all from Transformers. *sigh*. His theory is that NOBODY would mess with a kid named Optimus Prime! So anyhoo - after I got pregnant, we started to joke around and called our little zygote Optimus Prime - OP for short.

I came into work today to find this at my desk!

One of my co-workers that I am very close to knows. She is SO funny and got us this onesie (SO TINY!) to celebrate our little Optimus Prime. I LOVE IT and can't wait to put it on our little one!