9dpo.

I am trying to hold out until Sunday, depending on temps. I am a total POAS-a-holic...but only the $1 ones. I don't dare waste a FRER or Digital :)

I have to say that my boobs hurt like A MOFO and have for days. Which has made this cycle very different for me. But meh, that could mean anything. They always get sore a few days leading up to AF. Who knows, I could start spotting soon! I just find it so odd that I O'ed on CD15 this time...who knows.

another 2ww

well here I am folks. In the midst of another 2ww!

for some unknown reason my body decided to LOVE ME and ovulate on CD15! No more waiting until CD22 to O. yay!

So today I'm 5dpo and just chuggin' along. This cycle has been pretty low key actually. Because I didn't really expect to O when I did, DH & I just had some fun crazy sex. No pressure - just good times. It actually worked out well with the timing!

The other thing that was super weird was that I had LOTS of CM this cycle. Lots of Egg-White & Wet CM. Let's hope it was for a reason...

I will try & be good this time around & update you all when I have more phantom symptoms to whine about ;)

BFN at 12dpo.

poooop!

my temp is still up at 97.70 so who knows.

I have sore boobs & gas. But those are also PMS signs. BAHHHHHH.

i suck at blogging

well, not at all blogging...I actually have a few blogs IRL that I am very active with.

I think the reason I have not updated this blog is because I just don't care...it never seems to help me in getting KU!!

Today I'm 11dpo. My chart is lookin' might fine if I do say so myself. But I cannot lie - I have pretty much no faith. OH and I bought the VIP version of FF.com - because everyone knows that once you do that, you get KU...right?

RIGHT!?!?!?!!??

my boobs

are sore. but not that sore. They've been hurting the past few days but definitely noticeable today.

Some wet CM today too. Other than that not much going on. Just waiting to see if I get a high temp tomorrow. I will be 11dpo.

I'm chalking up my boobs to PMS.

8 dpo.

either my chart is headed South for the upcoming Fall/Winter, or there is a .0001% chance that this is an implantation dip.

My guess is the first. Because all of my optimism was wasted on last month's cycle.

an update on this cycle.

so I'm on CD28 and 6DPO. It's another long cycle. I O'ed on CD22 this time.

I am really not getting my hopes up or analyzing my chart. Post O-temps can be all over the place and really, until I'm at least 10dpo it's not even something I should think about.

I cannot help but think however, that this cycle is very similar to my BFP cycle. Late ovulation, positive OPK's, lots of sex with DH...ha.

and I'm not sure if I'm just making this up (phantom symptom) but I *think* my boobs are starting to hurt. Which could mean nothing, they often hurt during PMS.

Here's hoping for the best. I'm in the 2ww - but don't expect the play by play freakout session that you got to witness last month. I'm mostly over the crazies for now. Once I hit 10dpo I think that will change.

Luckily we have lots going on this weekend so I will be distracted.

i'm done.

I cannot have any more sex this week. Just can't.

So really...if I have not ovulated yet, then fuck it. My temps aren't really rising that much so who the hell knows. I got YET ANOTHER positive OPK today, which just doesn't make sense.

I cannot believe how overly difficult getting KU actually is. How blissfully ignorant are those people who just walk by their husband and get pregnant?? Makes me sick.

afternoon delight

yes, that's right. It's come down to that.

My temps are screwing with my patience - seems my body loves to taunt me and take it's own sweet time ovulating, so we are still on the "hump like rabbits" train.

Today my H & I met up at our house for lunch and got it on. Aww yes.

Here is my chart so far this month. I'm hoping we've timed things right, and that I get a temp rise tomorrow morning. *crosses fingers for O*

CRUEL & UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT.

THE NEST IS DOWN FOR HOURS OF MAINTENANCE.

ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON DAMMIT.

I HAVE ADD AND CANNOT WORK.

How shall I get through the day!?!?!?

::runs screaming from blog::

so I do this thing...

where I get all CRAZY analyzing my chart during the 2ww. I post here like a mad woman & then when AF shows, I abandon my blog.

sorry.

I am taking a vow to not obsess over my post-O temps this time around - as really they are not always that indicative of being KU or not.

It was my 1st cycle TTC after our miscarriage. So I was a little nutty.

Moving on...

today is CD11.

i gave in.

so bad, I know. But when you have $1 tests, it's really hard to refrain from just peeing on them. "It's only a dollar..."


BFN.

Meh - to be expected. I'm not giving up hope. It's still early. My overlay chart still looks good, and even though I had a temp drop this morning - my temps are still looking high.

I have no symptoms though. Not even a sore boob. BLAH.

overlay obsession

another high temp today. I feel like these 2 cycles are looking SOOO much alike...! GAH!

hide the pee sticks.

hide 'em all.

Because I don't know how the eff I will hold out until this weekend to pee.

It's not just the high temps that are making me crazy, but it's the fact that the past 2 nights I've had to get up to pee in the middle of the night...which for me...NEVER HAPPENS. EVER.

Except for when I was KTFU. So yea, that is screwing with my already fragile 2ww mind.

Here is today's chart:

crazy, obsessive 2ww birthday lady.

yep that's me! Today is my Birthday. woot woot.

The chart is looking better. Here is my daily whoring of the chart so you can all see how lovely my temps have been lately. Followed by the traditional over-analytic psycho analysis that is ever so present with the 2ww.

(FF.com gave me a free VIP 5 day trial today. They must have totally decided to do it as a bday gift. Right.)


I like the looks of the dip yesterday. Implantation perhaps? Hmmm...

If we compare to my last BFP cycle, they are looking mighty similar...dip & all. Here is the overlay:

Houstin, we have crosshairs.

woot WOOT!!

It's about damn time. Just seeing those red lines is glorious. Makes me realize that my body is not broken after my miscarriage. I am so thankful for this. I really needed it.

Now all I need to do is not go bat-shit-crazy during this 2ww. That's going to be hard. I don't know many women that remain sane during the 2ww. *sigh*

still no crosshairs.

my chart can go DIAF.

SOOO frustrated w/ my chart.

I cannot get a temp rise for the life of me. I'm pretty much done with this cycle. The stress of TTC is just out of control. It's now causing tension between me & DH.


Why do I have a feeling that getting pg again is going to take FOREVER for me? It's not going to happen right away. I just have a feeling. I'm so over this.

all about the O.

well, it's that time. The time where I get pee & temp crazy. This weekend I started to get some EWCM and started peeing on some OPK's. Lo & behold I think I should be O'ing soon, if not today. I will admit that my chart confuses the F outta me right now. I feel like I should have O'ed already and to be honest, I wish I had because having sex all the time makes this woman TIRED.

been in a funk.

So I know that I've been in a funk lately. DH is really noticing it. I hate doing this to him. I just don't know what to do. I love him to pieces, and love being with him - but for the most part, I'm just not the happiest person these days. And now that we are back to TTC, and charting, I'm starting to put all my hopes & expectations on that, which is causing a bit more stress & anxiety. I know that I shouldn't but...ugh.

So I am trying to keep busy. But in all honesty, we've been to how many BBQ's this summer? SO MANY. And while I love seeing my friends/family - it's ALL the same. Go to party, get a beer, play some yard games, drink more beer, sit by fire, drink more beer, roast some S'mores, drink more beer. Pee 1,000 times. Go home, pass out.

I want more than that dammit. I want to be one of the people at the BBQ with my little one, running around chasing after them - or better yet, rocking them in their carriage or stroller. I want to have something MORE to live for. DH & I love each other to pieces but we are SO ready to take everything in our lives to the next level. I hate that I've always wanted to run before I could walk.

Having a baby is totally one of those things that you just have to patiently wait for in life - and that is SO hard for me. I have ADD when it comes to doing or getting things. I swear, God is trying to teach me the lesson of practicing patience. *sigh*.

because I want to remember.

I know that this may not be the best thing for me right now. But my fear is forgetting. I don't want to forget this little one that I had inside my tummy for almost 9 weeks. I found the ultrasound in my purse today. It was done the evening I started spotting. I had not even had my first appointment with my OB yet. I was so worried - so nervous...and then they brought this up, and we saw our little pea, with a little heartbeat!


I know this looks like absolutely nothing. The baby was only measuring at 6 weeks, 2 days. It was behind. A lot. They told me I was fine, and that you never know, I could have just been off with my calculations. But I knew that wasn't true. I knew in my heart that I was right - I charted, I knew my O date - I knew when we had sex.

At any rate, I want to remember this. I don't want to forget or lose this picture. So I had to post it here. Part of me feels crazy for being so attached, but it was 9 weeks of loving & thinking about a new baby. We were shattered.

back to temping.

I was impressed with myself that I remembered the temp this morning. It feels so weird to be doing it again. But here I am. 96.8 today.

I realize that this could take a while, but I am placing an unhealthy amount of hope that we will get KU right away. This is not good. I know this. I am not sure what I will do if this cycle comes & goes and I don't get a BFP. Crazy talk. I know. But this miscarriage has left me feeling so empty - I cannot help but feel this way. Argh.

so, here's the story.

I am no longer pregnant.

I lost the baby on June 23rd.

I was roughly 9 weeks along.

I have not blogged about it because to be quite honest, right after it happened I just needed a break from everything. TheBump, blogging, anything baby related. It was pretty much the most horrific experience of my life thus far - and reliving it isn't something I wish to do a whole lot of.

Basically I started spotting on a Friday evening. I went to the ER, had an U/S done - was told I was "measuring behind" - which I knew was not good. 4 days later I began to bleed & pass clots the size of things you could not imagine. I lost the whole thing naturally - no D&C needed. It was painful physically, emotionally, and just a lot of both DH & I.

So here I am. It's August 6th. I finally got my period last weekend and finishing it up now. DH & I are totally ready to get back at this & do it again. I just hope we aren't setting ourselves up for more heartbreak & disappointment. I still have my moments where I break down. It's been pretty tough to keep it together.

However, tonight I will break out the BBT Thermometer and start charting again tomorrow.

We just hope & pray that we can get pregnant and finally welcome a baby into our lives.

exhaustion.

it's interesting. It doesn't hit me all the time - but usually right around dinner time, I feel like I could fall asleep over my plate of food. It's almost painful to get up from my chair and leave the dinner table. That's how tired I get. So yea - I've been trying to get lots of sleep at night.

The problem with that is that my bladder is INSANE and I have to pee all the damn time. So I can barely make it through the night without waking up in pain because my bladder is so full. *sigh*

Other than that, knock on wood...no M/S. Could it be possible that I have not been hit with this yet? I am praying to the M/S Gods. Please spare me, I love you!

6 weeks, 4 days.

Or so says my chart...

I am convinced that I am a full week behind this - thus being 5 weeks, 4 days. If you go by the day of my LMP, it makes me 6 weeks 4 days. However I didn't ovulate until CD20 and therefore I feel I am 1 week later than this. I have decided to just keep things simple & stick with my EDD according to my LMP. That is how my Dr. is tracking me, at least until my 1st U/S. I will probably be re-adjusted then. But until then...here is my non-belly pic.


I have super huge boobs, a little bit of belly bloat - but not too much. Crappy photo taken in the bathroom at work. Yucko.

EDITED: I'm stealing this from many other people's baby blogs. Going to try & start doing this at least bi-weekly for now, until I actually have a belly!

How far along? 6 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: no idea. I haven't dared to step on a scale yet.
Maternity clothes? Nope!
Stretch marks? None!
Sleep: Meh. I sleep better when I pass out on the couch for naps. But I'm finding it harder to fall asleep at night, and even harder to "sleep-in" in the AM.
Best moment this week: telling my parents & in-law's that we are expecting!
Movement: None.
Food cravings: No food cravings - but I'm OBSESSED with Iced Tea. Very cold Iced Tea with ice cubes.
Gender: I am totally feeling boy. boy boy boy.
Labor Signs: None.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: J Lohr Chardonnay. *siiiigh*
What I am looking forward to: 1st U/S on June 25th.
Weekly Wisdom: not telling people isn't as hard as I thought it would be - it's actually sort of nice to have a little secret with my H - him & I have this time together where only we know (plus a few immediate family members). I'm sure I will miss that once the cat is outta the bag.
Milestones: Buying a Pregnancy Journal & starting to fill it out. Looking at baby clothes in the mall! (no purchases as of yet!)

First Gift...

so the long-time joke between DH & I has always been that when we have children, his list of name choices would be:

Optimus Prime
Megatron
Corporate Commander

Yes, all from Transformers. *sigh*. His theory is that NOBODY would mess with a kid named Optimus Prime! So anyhoo - after I got pregnant, we started to joke around and called our little zygote Optimus Prime - OP for short.

I came into work today to find this at my desk!

One of my co-workers that I am very close to knows. She is SO funny and got us this onesie (SO TINY!) to celebrate our little Optimus Prime. I LOVE IT and can't wait to put it on our little one!

pimples, peeing....and MONSTROUS ta ta's.

that about sums up my week, LOL!

I have lots of pimples. I normally break out when AF comes....but this is a whole new level. I have them on my face, neck, back. Awesome. sooo very attractive.

I 've been peeing like it's my job - but that's OK. I drink lots of water & fluids anyway so no big deal. My boobs on the other hand - they are outta control. I feel like if they continue to grow and hurt they way they are, I will need my own zip code for them soon. I am def. going to need one of those ginormous ugly bras that could hold a small child inside one of the cups.

Cravings right now are not too strong. Only thing I've been obsessed with is having COLD iced tea. I love the kind that Dunkin Donuts has, but I also have a pitcher of iced tea at home that I made. I need it to be cold, with some ice & a straw.

We are telling my in-law's this weekend. No one on his side knows yet. He has 5 brothers & sisters + spouses & neices/nephews (10 of them!). So yea, I think we might hold off a bit to tell them. But my MIL & FIL are going to be in the know soon enough!

told my parents...

so we told my parents this weekend!!

Sunday we drove out there to stay overnight, as they were having a Memorial Day BBQ on Monday. So we get there on Sunday afternoon and my Mom was putting together dinner. She was taking FOREVER...and I just wanted to TELL HER! My plan was this:

I am a scrapbooker/paper-crafter so I knew I had to involve that somehow! I created a scrapbook page that says "Waiting for Baby"...and pasted 2 photos on it. One is of my H & I holding the digitial pregnancy test, and the other is a closeup of the test, where the word says "Pregant". So I took this page and stuck it into a scrapbook album that has a bunch of other recent pages that I have made.

I took the album out after dinner & said "Mom I really want you to look at the recent scrapbook pages I've made". So she started to flip through. My H was secretly filming with my digital camera. I was able to get my Dad to look too. She was reading EVERY page and looking at all the details...it was KILLING me. I'm like "dear LORD just FLIP THE PAGE!!" haha!

So finally she flipped to the page with the HPT, and it took a good 5-7 seconds for her to look at it, take it in, and realize WHAT she was seeing. She was BLOWN AWAY. She gasped, looked at me and said "ARE YOU PREGNANT????"

I said Yes, through some tears. She started to cry, and immediately started yelling "YAYY!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!" ha! She was super happy. So was my Dad. They were both taken back by how much of a suprise this was.

The bad news is that I think they were a) miffed that they cannot tell anyone and b) annoyed that I did not share with her that we were actively TTC. I felt bad, but...what can ya do?

I have a video of this. I might post it - not sure though as I'm trying to be all anonymous on here for now...

I also told my brother & a close family friend (they are like sister/brother to me). So only immediate family knows on my side. No one else. We are "coming out" at the 4th of July. We now have to figure out when we will be telling his folks...

telling my parents this weekend...

I'm just over 5 weeks today.

This weekend we are going out to visit my parents. They are having a Memorial Day BBQ. My folks live about 1.5 hours away from here - and since I haven't really talked to my Mom on the phone since my BFP, I've been pretty laid back about when to tell. However I talked to her on the phone today, and I was BURSTING with the urge. There is no way in holy hell I'm going to make it a few more weeks without telling my Mom! I mean, she is MY MOM!!! I just need to be able to tell her. I want to talk to her about it, ask her questions, share in her excitement, etc. My Dad too.

So I've got it all planned out. We are going out there on Sunday and I plan on doing it then. I won't tell you what it is right now - I will share the full story on here when it's all done. We hope to try & catch it on video. All I know is that my Mom is going to CY HER EYES OUT. hahaha!

The only thing I am nervous about is her being able to keep her trap shut around the rest of the family. We are VERY intent on waiting until the first U/S to spread the word. We figured 4th of July will be perfect timing. We will see. I don't mind my parents & brother knowing - but really don't want all my Aunts, etc. knowing just yet. It can get too overwhelming - and let's face it - anything could still happen. We are not out of the woods yet!

Wish me luck!

confirmed with a digital!

Yep, I went out & bought some digitals because who on earth can resist seeing the GLORIOUS word staring you back in the face?

PREGNANT.

I know that I had 2 positive tests on Tuesday, but I have to admit, I still had some anticipation peeing on this digital test. I was SO pumped and happy to see the result!

Here is my first official belly pic. I cut out my head because I am paranoid & anonymous like that.

I am realizing that I am a fatass. And that I need a tan ASAP.

Current Symptoms:

• sore boobs - HUGE boobs. My God, could these things get ANY bigger? I'm sure they will! SCARY!
• fatigue - I'm definitely tired. Which I'm sure will only get worse.
• urination - holy crap, I am a peeing machine these days. I even had to get up during the night to pee. NEVER HAPPENS to me.

that's it for now. no other symptoms that I can think of, other than feeling FAT & BLOATED!

am I really pregnant?

OK day one shock has worn off for the most part.

I can honestly say the only symptoms I have are VERY sore boobs (which I get with AF anyway) - and tiredness. But I'm usually tired during the week anyway! I'm still SUPER early so I know the symptoms will come. I just thank the Lord that I have not started to puke yet!!

Last night I went out for Margaritas & Mexican with the gals from work. There were 3 of us. I had TOTALLY forgot that I made these plans, and yesterday AM I got my BFP. I couldn't back out - so I ran into the restaurant super early, before anyone else got there - and like a crazy PG woman, explained to the hostess that she had to make sure my waiter knew whatever I ordered needed to be VIRGIN. She looked at me like I was a whack job but then she hooked me up! Woohoo! Pulled that one off (I think) - not sure if anyone suspects anything yet. I don't really care if they do - I have a baby to think about dammit! I just really want my family to be the first to know. Co-workers LAST :)

So anyway today I'm just trying to somewhat focus (as I sit here & blog). But I'm actually pretty good. The urge to tell people is not as strong as I thought it would be. I have been emailing with my Mom only - it's easier than phone calls, as I might be tempted. We are supposed to go out to my parents house this weekend to visit. But I'm not ready to share our secret yet. Hmmm...am I going to be able to handle this??

We've figured that we will tell my parents the weekend of June 13th, and then my brother & his wife the following weekend.

Our first Ultrasound has been scheduled for June 25th - so once we have that and know more about timing, EDD, health of the babe, etc - I will feel comfortable telling my extended family. Right now we are thinking 4th of July will be a good time to do that.

So that's all for now. I think tonight I'm going to buy one of those books that you track your pregnancy in! I finally feel like I can let myself LOOK at cute baby stuff and think about the possibility of being a MAMA more now!

*sqqueeee!!!!*

4 weeks, 5 days!?!?!

after all the excitement of the BFP, poor DH really REALLY had to leave for work, as he was late. So he tells me he is leaving, I kiss him goodbye - he leaves.

I start to shower and I'm rinsing my hair and he comes back in, flings open the shower curtain and says "I love you so much. Your boobs look so nice." LOL

I said "yea, well are ya still gonna love me when I'm craving Cookie Dough Ice Cream with Pickles on top, and a huge baby belly??" teee hee.

he said yes of course.

I hope he knows what he is in for.

On another note, I filled out all the info on FF.com. I am officially 4 weeks, 5 days pregnant. EDD is Jan 21, 2010. That's one day after Daddy's Birthday. how sweet!

OMG OMG OMG!!! BFP!!! B-F'ING-P!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS!!!

Last night I told myself that if I had another high temp this morning, I would POAS. Today is 12dpo and I figured it was well within a reasonable range for me to test.

So I had a VIVID dream last night that I took a test & 2 lines appeared. Meh, whatever. Took my temp this morning - 97.70. Not insanely high, but also not very low. I thought I would be all psyched to wake up & test. Nope! Totally relaxed. Went right back to sleep. Woke up a bit later having to pee like a MOFO and decided I would try out a Dollar Tree test.

I go in the bathroom and pee in a cup, take the test & place it on the counter. I brush my teeth & DH walks in before leaving for work to give me a hug. I start hugging him (still half asleep at this point). He tells me he's headed off to work. Ok, love you, bye.

I turn around, look at the pee-stick and see the faintest of faintest of a line:


me: "Ummm. H? Is that a LINE??"
him: "Uhhh where? Gee, I don't know...what does that mean if it is?"
me: "Ummm it means I MIGHT BE PREGNANT!!"

*runs over to the cabinet & rips opens FRER test* (thank GOD I kept the pee in the cup and didn't dump it out!)

I took that test, ran downstairs to grab my camera. DH let me do my thing. As soon as I came back upstairs with my camera, THERE IT WAS!! The most beautiful, gorgeous line I've ever seen in my life. Clear as day: (in person, not as clear in these pics!)

And another more clear pic:

I ran to the top of the stairs, screamed my H's name and began sobbing, yelling "I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

We are both just so unbelievably excited right now. I cannot believe this. I had every reason to think this cycle was a total bust. The ONLY thing different is that my boobs are sore in a different spot (underside instead of on the side like usual).

It's only a line on a test, and already I'm so in love. *swoon*

11dpo.

small temp drop this morning.


still doing good holding off on my urge to POAS. Definitely have some sore boobs & a little skin breakout but nothing too major. I've given up trying to tell if these are signs of AF or not.

I suppose if my temp rises tomorrow I will POAS. Otherwise I will fully expect to have AF come on Wed or Thursday.

my pretty chart

well, I think it's puuurty right now. I'm 10DPO and woke up to a lovely high temp this morning (slightly high I guess).


If you're wondering what happened to that GINORMOUS temp spike a few weeks ago, in the middle of my chart (almost 100 degrees!) - I ended up discarding it. It was nothing significant (wasn't around O time) and honestly I think it was just a fluke. It was making my chart really annoying to look at and hard to see the difference between all the temps. So I still have that temp recorded, but it's marked as discarded for now!

It's funny. I'm actually not feeling inclined to POAS right now. I know that my chart looks good, but I also know I'm only 10DPO and it's super early. I also know that with my luck AF will be here in a few days. My boobs are already starting to get sore. There was a small dip a few days past O but I don't think it could have been an implantation dip. *sigh*.

So I will try to resist any urges that might appear within the next few days to POAS. Wish me luck!

6 dpo.

not that there is anything to look at here. pretty boring. just thought I would share.


I am finding myself to be much more patient during this 2ww. I have the temps to go by so I'm not going bonkers guessing about what the F is happening to me.

Talk to me at this time next week...where I am likely to be obsessing over pee sticks and phantom symptoms!!

we have CROSSHAIRS!!

oh yes. yes yes yes. it's about damn time!


not sure if it's the prettiest chart. but I'll take it. (I feel like my temps have a freakishly low level for the most part. vampire perhaps?)

I've officially entered the 2WW. Bring on the craziness.

please, for the sake of my cooter.

please PLEASE ovulate!!

I realize this is my 1st month temping - and I'm supposed to really "figure out" how my body is working. But godammit why does this cycle have to toy with me? Last month my cycle was a lovely 30 days. Right now I'm already on CD22 and still no sign of O. 2 positive OPK's - LOTS of sex. I'm TIRED. (and so are my lady bits!)

I want to go home & go to bed. WITHOUT having sex. sooo tired.

mempphh.

*whistles* dum deeee dummm

dum de dummm

just sittin' around. waiting to O.

that's all.

*tap tap*....excuse me, uterus?

hello? are you there?

can I get some CM? Please?

It's CD 16 dammit. And I'm dry as a bone.

*sigh*

Just when I thought I was figuring my cycles out - I have a feeling this is going to be another 37 day one. Ugh.

So I have not had one sign of any CM. Last month I had EWCM on CD13 & 14. Ohhhh how I <3 me some EWCM. But alas, I wait.

My temps are looking OK I suppose - except for that one minor freak out earlier this week. I think that was due to the hot weather we were experiencing...(which should be GREAT for my charting attempts this summer.)

But yea - so far no sign of O'ing. I'm hoping this weekend it happens. H & I will probably get things going just in case so we don't miss the window. In the meantime I'm peeing on OPK's like it's my J-O-B.

for the love of ANYTHING - I want to get PREGNANT!!

aaaaaand we're back down.

haha just like I suspected, back down to normal today. wtf?

My only guess is that it was 95 degrees here yesterday - so perhaps I was hot as hell when I was sleeping but didn't realize it? LOL.

All I know is that I better start getting some CM soon. I'll take Wet CM - any CM please!! Let's get this O'ing show on tha road!!

oh FFS, what is this?

seriously, wtf?

I'm not a charting veteran or expert - but I just feel like I FAIL at this already. How the EFF did I go from 96.5 to effing 99.8?

If I am O'ing I will be pissed because of course we didn't time anything right.

AAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHH

BBT

last night I went out and bought a BBT. (see previous post for my totally cave-fest on temping, charting, etc.)

it's purple. OOHHH so pretty.

I set that beauty down next to the bed last night, right next to the alarm clock and water. I was all set to wake up and do my very first temp - even though AF is here and it doesn't matter - I wanted to get used to it.

6:30am rolled around...my alarm went off...

I slapped that sucker on snooze faster than anything. Thought about opening an eye so I could grab the purple thermometer - for about 2 nano-seconds, put my head back down on the pillow and passed the eff back out.

screw that! I'll start tomorrow.

*dun dun dun*

ladies and gents...I have now entered the phase of this Blog where I completely contradict myself.

I am pretty sure I'm gonna start temping.

Yep, AF showed last night :(

I was pretty upset yesterday. Uber bummed. This was definitely a cycle where things felt really "different" than the others. I totally thought we had a decent chance. I was just so frustrated. I hate that it takes so long and so much waiting, etc.

So anyway, now that it's Cycle 6, I've talked with H and he and I both agree that we can try out temping for a little while to see how it goes. What I realized is that even though I'm not taking my temp every morning, I'm still charting all my other symptoms...thus become obsessed.

So why not just take that one step further and use my temps to back up my whacky guesses for O date, etc.?

So anyway...that's what I'm doin'. Just wanted to update that no I'm not KU. I will admit, I'm starting to feel like maybe this isn't going to be easy for us. It's so easy for some - I just fear that we will not be those people that have it come easily. Lord, I hope & pray that's not the case.

my crap-tastic lazy chart.

I don't temp - get over it. Here is what we got this month:

Pay no attention to estimated O date - as it's pretty much just a guess - I know, I know, "without temping there is no way to know"...blah BLAH. I'm not asking to talk about when I O'ed/

What I am interested in, is that this month I finally had some EWCM! 2 whole days of it. Nice! It was followed by my per usual 3 days of W CM. But it was nice to see the EWCM this month. The past 3 months, my chart has only had 3 days in a row of W CM.

That's all. Just wanted to share what I had observed. Ho hum.

i am getting...FRUSTRATED!!!

i just need to vent.

it is not quite possible for my boobs to hurt anymore than they currently do - unless I start friggin producing milk (which I realize hurts like a bitch!) But seriously - they are SOO sensitive. Yesterday morning I woke up and almost cried they hurt so badly. So because of this, I let my warped mind convince me to test....again.

Yep, I POAS twice this weekend - both BFN. I know, I know, too early to test. But again it was only a $1 - and if I was going to be boozing on Saturday & Sunday, I wanted to at least make sure I wasn't being totally neglectful. Ha.

And I was using the thinking of "I've seen people on FF test this early and get their BFP!". Ha. Bad line of thinking...stay away from this mentality.

I am now off to stalk my chart on FF which hasn't changed that much. Off to determine how much longer I will wait for my next POAS adventure. I'm determined to wait until at LEAST Wednesday of this week. *twiddles thumbs*

today I feel weak.

I don't feel week physically, so much as emotionally. Perhaps a little of both. I just need to whine a little bit right now. I have no one to whine to - and I don't want to submit anyone to this, so I will just whine on here...

My ta ta's are still sore. They could be worse, but it's getting damn annoying. If I knew they were sore for a REASON than I would 100% OK with it!! In addition, I have this continuing annoying-ass cramping going on in my ute area - and it's driving me nuts. Again - if I knew this was all for good reason than I would be just A-OK with it!

Today is approx. 7DPO. Ho hum. still quite a ways to wait until testing. I can't help but pray to everything out there that this is the cycle for us. I HOPE SO BADLY!! We haven't really been trying that long, I know this - it's basically been since the end of 2008. It would just be so nice to have a BFP so I can tell my Mom & Dad they are going to be grandparents!! Ahhh! that would be the best thing ever :)

I called my H this morning somewhat weepy telling him how much I love him. I think he hates the 2ww just as much as I do, because I'm pretty damn annoying to listen to. LOL.

dum deee dummm

i have a dull, constant, mild cramping going on.

and my boobs are effing killing me.

most would say I am being crazy phantom symptom lady - but I can't help but think these *could* be signs of being KTFU.

I haven't been on BCP for over 2 years, so it's not like my cycles are all crazy. I am not due for AF for at least another 10 days. so why the eff my ta ta's are this sore is beyond me. mehhh.

I shall sit & wait, and drive myself bonkers until testing time is upon us.

just wanted to note for the record...

that my ta ta's are killing me. they are large & in charge. yep, larger than normal (if you can believe it). I went to fold my arms earlier and I was like, ummm OW?

and I have a bit of cramping going on.

So either I still haven't O'ed and I'm about to - or I have O'ed and am possibly KU...or MORE LIKELY I am obsessing over Phantom symptoms.

my vote is on the latter.

so...

just when I thought I was being all knowledgeable about my ute...??

I'm 99% sure that I've already O'ed this month. All my signs have come & gone - positive OPK, EWCM, Wet CM, etc. The thing that's weird is that if that is true, than I O'ed pretty early. Like, 4-5 days early?

Anyway I cannot complain because we definitely were good about our timing during those few days. So let's just hope for the best! Nothing really to report on otherwise. My boobs are starting to get sore which is again, odd for me - as my period is still a good 10+ days away. Then again, it could be due to the ridonkulous amount of yardwork that I was doing this weekend. Talk about back-breaking stuff! ugh!

so I suppose we now just sit back & relax, and wait....OH the wait. gotta love it.

week from HELL at work!!

OMG these past few weeks at work have been so effing crazy, I'm not sure I can take it much longer.

Thank GOD it's Friday today!

This weekend I am due to O, so I'm pretty excited about that :)

I have been doing very well this month tracking my CM, and using the OPK's. Still not temping - but I think I might just do so in a few more cycles if this doesn't work out. So far the hubbs & I have been pretty good about every other night, since I started with EWCM.

And for those that care (or even read this) - my EWCM was strong for 2 days - and now I'm into my usual super WET CM. Which I suppose is normal for me. Still no positive on the OPK but that's OK as I know they don't always work properly. I feel like CM is much more reliable so I'm trying to pay attention to that.

on a downer note...

a friend of mine had a miscarriage last week. she was almost 16 weeks.

this has freaked me the fuck out and even though I'm not PG it terrifies me.

i feel for her...it's sad. I just can't imagine being that far along and losing the baby. I mean, I know people have had MC's further along than that. But she was well into 2nd Tri and that happened.

ugh.

OHHHH ewcm...

how i HEART YOUUUUUUUUUUUU

woot woot.

hello people. Just wanna let you know that yes yes, I have some EWCM action going on, and I want to shout it to the world!!!

The past few months I have not been noticing any of this lovely stuff. I drip with WET WET CM....but no ewcm. Yesterday I had some brownish-tinted ewcm and it weirded me out a bit. However yesterday was CD13 and I think my hoo-ha is just still cleaning itself out & getting rid of old blood. Today my ewcm is much cleaner with a few spots here & there. But I tell ya, I stretched that shit on the TP. awww yea!

Hooray for gooey cervical mucus!!

now my next question is...what the eff man? I'ts CD14 and the past few months I've been O'ing around CD18-20. What gives?

If this randomness keeps up I may just have to suck it up & start to temp.

so, what's another month?

yep not remembering where I last left you...

but as you can guess, no BFP this month. meh...I knew it. no biggie.

the good news is that we are going away again and I get to have drinks with friends! This month I plan on stepping up my OPK game and really trying to time everything just right! I've been charting, not temping...and using OPK's a bit to help me out. Each month I get better at figuring things out.

Now I know that I can't truly tell when I ovulate since I'm not temping. However for the past 5 months that I've been charting all my other signs, it appears that I am consistently O'ing on CD20. So this month we are going to give it our best shot for the days leading up to CD20 :)

Anyway that's all the update I have for now...I'm not in a 2ww or anything, so I'm not driving myself bananas! Haha! being in the 2ww causes me to be CRAZY! LOL

I will say that I am seriously getting MORE AND MORE anxious with each cycle. I want this to happen SOON!!

soo sore

oh Monday morning. ho hum.

so AF is due today or perhaps tomorrow. Right now I'm on CD 33. I should be getting her right about now - and I definitely feel like she is coming. I'm not discouraged though. I feel like each cycle I learn more about my body. I am going to really do the OPK thing again next cycle, except buy enough so that I can test for several days in a row. That way I can really try & pinpoint ovulation.

I broke down and took 2 HPT's last week. I know, silly huh? There was good reason though. We went away this weekend...and I knew there would be LOTS of boozing going on. I knew that it was probably too early to tell if I was PG or not - but they were only $1 store tests...and I thought, if I was PG and I never knew it and then went and drank my face-off, I would feel like such a jerk. So the tests came back negative. I went and had a great time this weekend. TOO good of a time! I'm SO sore from snowboarding & whatever happened after I drank a tad too much...HAHA. woops.

SO hopefully AF will come soon & I can get her over with so that we can move onto the next cycle. My boobs are REALLY sore and I just know it's because of AF coming to town.

soreness in le boob.

having a hard time today just NOT thinking about this. argh. I was doing SO WELL this cycle...just relaxing and keeping occupied. Not thinking about the "what if's" as much. Now for some damn reason, as the 2ww continues, I cannot help but wonder if I am PG or not.

I woke up this AM to soreness in my boobs. Mostly my left one (which happens to be ridonkulously larger than my right) - so it always get sore first. *sigh*. I know that can be an early PG sign, but it's also a sign that AF is on her way into town.

It's hard to calculate exactly how long we've been "trying". I would say that this Fall we basically said to each other "OK let's see what happens". We stopped doing the P&P and I think really got into trying around November. So now it's March. I know that is NOT that long...but I can't help but get a little sad when I see these people out there who just think about pregnancy and suddenly they are KU. I just want so badly to be able to go visit my parents and tell them they are going to be grandparents!!

My Dad was on the phone with me last night, telling me a story about this little girl he saw in the airport. He was talking to her and teasing her & her baby brother. It was so damn cute. My Dad loves kids. LOVES THEM. I just wanted to be PG at that very moment so that I could tell my Dad that soon he will have his own grandchild to spoil! ugh!

Sorry. I just had to whine. I know this all sounds irrational, silly and entitled. But that's why I am blogging. Because I need an outlet - and I can't do it anywhere else.

on buying HPT's at the $ store.

Ok so i'm sure anyone who is reading this (IF anyone reads this?) has done this.

I go to the Dollar Store with H - tell him we are on the lookout for HPT's. He asks why, I explain to him that they are MAD expensive at a normal store, chuckle a little bit at his cluelessness, and then proceed down the aisle with health & beauty products.

I finally find the tests - yes! they are in stock. woo! OK let's see how many I can grab here without looking shady. Excuse me JR, can you please move out of the way so I can reach over you and grab as many of these as I can? THANKS.

H has at this point, wandered off in the store because he was starting to get uncomfortable standing in the aisle with all the vagina-related materials.

I meet him in the front of the store, at which point he sees me holding 10+ boxes of HPT's. MORTIFIED he then decides to pick up a random tool or something that he "needs". I think this was a desperate attempt to distract the cashier from realizing that I was cleaning them out of their supply of pee-sticks.

It was an amusing adventure. Hopefully I won't go through these 10+ tests and will not have to go back soon. (for H's sake)

This isn't Juno. I'm not 16. I'm a married woman and I could give a damn if I buy 20 HPT's at the $ store, or any for that matter. I just want to get one that says positive :)

dumm de dum.

nothing too exciting to talk about today.

This weekend we are supposed to go away & do some boarding, but who knows. Technically I'm in the 2ww and AF should be arriving around 3/16 or so. Which puts me at Monday...

at which point I will try not to get crazy about POAS. However I do own like 10 tests from $1 Tree. Gotta love it.

I've determined that if this is not the cycle for us, then it will be OK. There are a few things coming up that I will get to enjoy and be silly about - like maybe going boarding some more and drinking WAY too many beers with friends. Having a glass of wine outside once the nice weather (hopefully) rolls in. So yea, I'm not going to be bummed. Just gotta look at things from a positive perspective!

I still have not told anyone about our journey of TTC. I have a few friends who are PG right now. One that was more of a childhood friend than anything. She is going to be mad insulted if she finds out we are thinking about TTC without telling her. (I think she feels I need to tell her everything? um no.) But I haven't seen or heard from her in months so I think we are good. In fact, I feel the need to rant about her for a minute because honestly, this bitch thinks I'm stupid. I think.

The facts are this: we aren't really friends anymore. She doesn't want to "let go" - in that every 3 or 4 months she will call me up or email to ask why I haven't come out there (back home, about 1.5 hrs away) to "see her". Why haven't I called HER and come to HER to ask her about HER life...hmmm lemme think for a second. Probably because you are annoying and a tad self-centered? Friendship is a 2-way street. Get yo little booty in the car, pick up the phone, and come out to visit me for once. Thank You.

Wondering what I will do when I get the invite to her baby shower. UGH. Really don't wanna go.

hair.

i think my PNV's are giving me some fabby hair these days. Either that or I am doing a fantastic job at blow drying. (not likely)

I have super thin hair and no desire to look hawt when I go to work each day...so I don't spend too much time blow drying. Anyhoo - my hair just feels more full & shiny lately. So hmm perhaps it's these spiffy horse pills I've been sucking down for the past 2 months.

Today I am having a hard time containing my thoughts on TTC. I feel like I want to shout it from the rooftops to someone...anyone. I will contain myself. It's just hard sometimes as it would be great to talk to someone face to face about it!

For now, I will be happy with the interwebs.

AHEM AHEM: on charting...

yes yes, in previous posts I have DECLARED that I am against charting. I'd like to clarify my statements:

I'm not into this whole temping thing. The thought of waking up at the same (early) time every morning and taking my temp, when I can barely muscle the strength to hit the snooze button on my alarm clock does not sit well with me.

I have been however "charting" WITHOUT the temps. So yes, I am guilty. I am a closet charter. I am more so doing this to learn about my cycles, and remember when the eff we got busy. So in case you are all DYING to see, here is my purty little non-temping chart so far this month.


Oh, and if you're wondering why I have a red line - it's because FF told me I could use my OPK as my ovulation predictor. I figured, what the HEY - let's give it a try! So yea it might not be accurate but hey kids, we are all having fun here.

entering the 2ww...

so I'm pretty sure I've entered my 2ww. OPK was positive the other day and I think I O'ed on CD20. (Tuesday)

Anyway last night I was all set to get some extra BD in just in case - as it's hard to tell if I did or did not ovulate. But we were both pretty tired. And we BD'ed quite a bit over the weekend and the night I got my OPK so here's hoping that it will be good enough :) swim little men, swim!!

I'm finding that having this blog is great for me to get out what I'm feeling & thinking, without having the blab to people around me. I'm not telling ANYONE that we are currently TTC. There is one person close to me who I somewhat go to advice for, but that person doesn't even really know any details. So yea, other than my H, this blog is it. And actually, he doesn't even know about this blog at the moment. I am not sure I want him to feel like he has to read it - part of the reason I have it is so that I don't overload him with too much baby-blabber. It's bad enough I talk about it enough around him - poor guy is probably overwhelmed already!

Also, I have a severe aversion to using certain acronyms...such as DH. I mean really, I just can't do it. "Dear Husband"?? Come on. that sounds so horrendous. He is not my dear. I don't call him "dear" - so yea I won't be using that. It's going to be either H, Hubbs, or Husband from now on.

successful pee.

holy crap, I actually peed on SOMETHING that produced a positive result!

that's right folks - got a positive OPK last night, woot woot! I know, I know...nothing to get THAT excited about. It doesn't guarantee me an O after all - but still - I peed on 8 of those little suckers last month with no luck. At least I feel like now I am starting to KNOW my cycle more, and understand just about when I ovulate.

Yesterday I had some serious O pains (or what I percieved them to be at least). This was way before my +OPK so I think it sounds like all things are moving in the right direction!

So of course last night I told hubbs to get crack-a-lackin'! let's go Superman! Do your thing! haha.

this is the extent to which I will obsess for now. It's purty fun I must admit, just the thought that there might be a chance this month! yayy :)

and so it goes...

well we are giving it our best here folks!

this weekend our get-away was awesome! We had a really GREAT time. We also had a few fun sessions of good ol' BD :) Let's hope that this cycle will be the one for us!!

I'm trying to keep track of my signs, CM, BD, and little things like "ovulation pain" (or what I perceive to be them). I think its good to do this at the very least, since we are still in the beginning stages. If for nothing else, it helps me learn more about my body!

I am def. in the stages of "Wet" CM - but for some reason I feel like I never actually get EWCM. what's more funny is that before I wanted to TTC I remember getting stuff like that all the time and thinking "what the eff is this???". I suppose a watched pot never boils, eh??

I say this as I suck down my coffee....which is something you should cut down on when trying to increase EWCM. HA, woops

guess the 47 beers I had this weekend didn't help much either.

back again

woah haven't checked in for some time...

so here is where I stand. Last time I wrote on this thing I was freaked about possible abnormal cells after my Pap. Well, I went to an OB - which was great, getting established with one is always a good thing! And she was wonderful, performed exploratory biopsy, etc. Literally during the procedure, AF started. Not kidding. So that answered my question about the 2WW. (why my cycle was uber-long last month, i have no idea. the only thing I can think of was stress - the stress of over thinking everything too much).

Recovery was PAINFUL as a mofo. My vag was swollen to hell - I could barely sit down for 2 days. Good Lord I am soo sensitive down there. I think I must be crazy that I want to actually push a child out of there??

Anyway - results are in - we are GOOD! nothing wrong! All tests negative! yayyy!

so we are back at it this month. I have to say, I'm SO MUCH MORE RELAXED than last month. Not sure what got into me in January. I was thinking about it, doing OPK's, and just putting way too much thought into it. It's VERY easy to get sucked into that. I just have to remind myself, I don't WANT to be like that right now!

That being said, I think I'm getting close to the O time. Again, not charting...don't want to...you can read why HERE. We are just having a grand ol' time and seeing how it goes.

We are headed out tonight for a weekend get away. It's to one of my favorite locations, which I find very romantic...and with my O being right around the corner (aka next few days) - this could be a great thing :)

Here's hoping to this month being "the month"!!! It's weird to think that if it does become the one - we would have a November bambino. SO WEIRD to think that way! eeeek!

OK not getting my hopes up. Let's just have a great weekend together :)

the wait game...

is totally screwing with me.

I thought my wait was over, as AF seemed to be coming to town. I thought I saw a wee bit of brown spotting yesterday - which means she is comin'. But then today still nothing. My boobs are now mega-sore. The good thing is that I've pretty much convinced myself that I am not KU, so I've refrained from peeing on any sticks.

But if this lack of AF keeps up, I may have to pee on SOMETHING.

and to make things even more awesome - my DR called me yesterday w/ results from my annual pap. Told me I have abnormal cells on my cervix that need more testing. Awesome. Just what I need. A reason for something to go wrong. God that terrifies me.

Anyway, I continue to sit, and wait. Ho hum.

so given that I don't chart, I realize that I cannot technically ask this question (without being beaten mercilessly with endless snark from the Bumpies out there)....

but I am trying to figure out what the eff is up with my hoo-ha.

So I was due for AF around Feb5/6th-ish. usually leading up to the day of her arrival I have really tender boobs, some light spotting, and I can occasionally feel this ache in the old hoo-ha that says "move over beotch, AF is comin' to town and she's gonna wreak some havoc".

Having not been on BCP for over 2 years, my cycles are pretty regular. That is, they are less than 30 days, and usually it's about 20-22 days or so between my periods.

So this month, I sit around and wait. Last period was Jan 6th. I would have thought surely by now (Feb 9th) - I would at least have SOME sign that she is on her way. My ta ta's are slightly sore - but nothing outrageous. There is abosutely ZERO spotting going on. I'm clean as a whistle.

Given that I can't deal with the possibility of the unknown, I've succombed to immense pressure and peed on 3 damn sticks. All BFN. Don't worry, 2 of them were cheap. I read up enough to know that $1 store HPT's are KEY when you're a newbie pee-er like moi.

So now I'm thinking we shall continue to wait...perhaps my body is just screwing with me and being like "HA! You are now trying to pay attention to this, so we are screwing with you!! mwahahhaha" yep, that's gotta be it.

stupid ovaries.

blog title

just a heads up that the title of my blog is due to the relentless barrage of questions and innuendos I get every day from family, friends, and random strangers.

people who think it's their God-Given right for me to tell them when I will be re-producing. Nope, not gonna happen.

so here I am, blogging.

as I have no other resort or person(s) to spill this information onto, you lucky anonymous people of the World Wide Web get to hear my ramblings.

So here is the deal:

I have a hubbs. We are in lurve. We are pretty active, do lots of fun things together and love our lives but have total Baby-on-the-Brain these last few months and feel we are ready. So, what does that mean?

Does it mean I've turned into a psychotic chart-tracking fertility seeking woman? Nope. I am definitely excited, and nervous. However we are both on board for just taking things as they come and seeing how it goes for the first few months. In other words, you read me correctly - I'm NOT charting. GASP! the HORROR!! OMG!! (insert spot here for all the people on thebump.com to tell me how stupid I am for not charting.) ha.

My thing is this: will I ever chart?? maybe.

am I charting now?? Nope.

Dude, it's our first few months of letting his boys run free. Why over-complicate and add more pressure to it? If this doesn't work then I'm all for giving it a whirl. Until then....

we shall see.

and really, women & men have been procreating since the beginning of time. I'm pretty sure Eve didn't logon to FF to track her cycles and take her temp every morning. There's something to be said for giving it "the ol' college try" for a little while.

so please bear with me while I ramble on & on about my thoughts on this subject, and my new found obsession with peeing on those expensive little sticks...

EDIT: I have since clarified my position on CHARTING. Please GO HERE to read it. Thanks!